a love letter to playlists

love, love, love

Last year my Spotify Wrapped stated that I had listened to approximately 90,000 minutes of music and podcasts. When I posted a screenshot of my stats on Twitter, a few of my mutuals and people who follow me were confused about how I could spend so much of my time listening to music. One part of the answer is that I need auditory stimulation to avoid getting anxious outside or feeling uncomfortable on public transport. As for the other part, it's pretty straightforward—music plays a massive role in my life. Whenever I come up with a scene for a screenplay, it comes from a song or an album I listened to. When I'm sad, I burrow into my room to listen to songs that speak to the feelings I cannot articulate. If I’ve just seen a great movie, I immediately sink myself into its score to continue existing within its world. Music brings me back to memories I want to hold on to—it makes me feel like myself.

Whenever I think of my childhood, I think of Aaliyah, Mos Def, and Lauryn Hill. I remember my father’s speakers blaring out Hip-Hop, R&B, Garage, and Lovers’ Rock. I also think about Sherine, Nancy Ajram, and Amr Diab and the music that played in the Turkish & Arab dramas my mother watched. As I got older, I began listening to mainstream Pop, K-Pop, Rock, Punk-Pop, Emo, Alternative music and more. Each genre and music space represented a different side of me, and they all came together whenever I made playlists.

The site 8tracks (RIP) ruled my world as a teenager. To summarise, it was Spotify, and Pinterest merged into one app with an aesthetically pleasing interface that allows you to listen to songs and manage your playlists. During that time, I lived abroad and felt isolated and detached from everything around me. After school, I often spent my evenings doing my homework and curating these playlists that were essential parts of myself. I’d meticulously choose songs that embodied the emotions I wanted to convey. It felt like I was making sense of the chaos around me. Since my playlists were public and I did not share them with people I knew, most of my listeners were strangers. Although I did not know them, I felt ecstatic that at least someone knew that side of me. Unfortunately, 8tracks shut down after attempts were made to include ads and convert imported songs into YouTube videos. The website ended up blocking countries outside of the United States from using it.

As of today, I have 83 public playlists on Spotify and around 1,600 followers. I admit that having such personal parts of myself shared and listened to publicly is strange sometimes. However, it feels almost like the young version of me on 8tracks has finally found the confidence to share her interests, and I'm proud of that. It may seem silly that I take such care of something as futile as a playlist, but these playlists embody my experiences.

For example, when I had my heart broken for the first time, I made a playlist collection based on the five stages of grief. In those moments, organising music that spoke to me helped me heal and make sense of the new emotions. As I reached each stage, the songs felt like individual love letters that the artists had crafted for me at that moment.

Playlists are like snapshots of my psyche—they let me go back to a particular time and pinpoint the exact feelings and sensations I can’t re-live. Songs take you back to when you first heard them, to the moment you were influenced by them, and to the moment you became a fan. For a rare few, this could happen at the same time. For a moment, all the lives you've lived are together in that room when you click play—it’s magic.

I hope you all have a wonderful Valentine’s Day and spend it with your loved ones. Even if it's private, listen to music that matters to you and create a playlist for yourself.

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Some more examples of the love-related playlists I’ve made:

1. mutual obsession (i fear that love will ruin my life)

2. crushcrushcrush (named after one of my favourite Paramore songs)

3. unrequited love (oh, how I want them dearly)

4. i can’t figure out if i hate you or not (if you get it you get it)

5. i ruined it (sometimes you’re in the wrong)

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