September Blues

Life updates & deactivating Twitter

When I was a kid, I was obsessed with Autumn, mainly because it meant all those fall cosy romcoms I watched were coming true in some parts of the world that weren't Jeddah, Saudi Arabia. When I moved back to England, Autumn meant I could finally bundle up and watch the changing leaves go from bright green to deep amber. I would buy Chai, Matcha and hot chocolate to join me and my lengthy playlists on my commutes to university. It also meant that I'd have to fight off the seasonal depression that began on September 1st—keeping myself from constantly teetering off the edge.

Earlier this week, my mother was induced into a medical coma due to her COVID-19 pneumonia and a myriad of other health concerns. Everyone keeps asking me if I'm okay, but I'm unsure how to answer that because I'm obviously not okay—I feel like I'm in a walking nightmare. I want nothing more than to hug my mother and to hear her voice again. I've been spending nights looking at old photographs, wishing I could animate them so that she could tell me she loves me because I can't remember the last time she did well enough.

The doctors, nurses, ward clerks and all the other medical professionals taking care of her have told us to live our lives like normal. But what is normal when your mother can no longer hold you in her arms? I'm going back to university because I know that's what she'd want me to do, but all I can do is stare at my pre-readings and try to stop myself from thinking of the worst.

Some days, my grief transforms into irritation—I've been walking around with so much anger that I fear I might explode if the wrong person crosses my path or asks how I'm doing one too many times. I've forgotten how to speak to people, and when I do, I've buried my feelings so far down that I feel confused when I'm given sympathy because I've deluded myself into momentarily forgetting why my body hurts so much right now. 

I say all this to say this September has to be the worst I've had in my life, and I'm not sure how anything can get better —how I can get better. I guess time helps, and with time I'll find my footing (along with my family), but doesn't that suck? Why can't we fast forward to when things are good again?

The one thing that's been helping me drown the noise out, ironically enough, is Grey's Anatomy. I guess to regain some control of the situation, I've delved into Shona Rhimes' medical rom-com. I've also been watching a lot of Criminal Minds and Adventure Time because nothing offsets true crime like mystical boy and dog adventures.

I'll continue writing these updates/newsletters, but please know they may remain very depressing for a while. I've also deactivated my Twitter. I've wanted to do it for years but couldn't due to fear of 'falling off' and ruining job opportunities. At this point, I'm heading into academia with my MA and PhD applications next year. If something is meant for me, like a book, screenwriting or journalism, it'll come to me. However, if you still want to follow me on social, you can follow my magazine's Twitter account or my personal IG.

Love you guys lots,

Haaniyah xoxo

P.S.

Listen to my Autumnal playlist :)